mama Ellen || belly

I'm going to get a little personal today, so feel free to skip past all the type, and go straight to the lovely pictures :)

As I climbed out of bed for this early morning maternity session, I questioned my ability to be a good mother and run a business successfully. I'm sure many of you have been there (just insert working outside the home). My youngest had been awake (oddly for him) most of the night, so I had only slept from about 12-2. After lots of breast refusals and crying and rolling around on our bed, I walked him around the living room in the dark, with the light of the moon coming through our big front window and skylights, and he stared at me with big alert eyes. Even though no words were conversed, I imagined him being disappointed in me. And truthfully, I wasn't upset with him, but I was upset with the situation. I was tired. New babies and older babies alike make us tired and they make us question our partner for not doing more when we all just want a little bit more sleep. I felt guilty as I drove the car towards Maryland for not being more intentional with my son and allowing him to simply be awake that night. I spent the whole time trying to get him back to sleep rather than contemplate what it might be that was causing him to be awake. I also felt guilty for being angry with Jason. We are both just trying to do our best.

And then I arrived at this beautiful garden, with only the dusk light before sunrise, and this quiet and lovely couple. As I walked through the garden documenting this couple's love for each other and their quiet awe of the tiny human growing inside E's belly, my own angst and fears about being a good mom were quieted. After the fact, I always feel like I should have done something different, but I am always learning how to parent, and I have decided to try and quiet those monsters that make me question how I handled every situation. I think it's okay to look back and reconsider how something could have gone differently, but there is no point in dwelling on these moments and driving yourself crazy. 

Anyway, enough personal stuff, back to this lovely couple! The quiet reverence they had for the tiny human growing was wonderful to witness. I love being able to live a little vicariously through my couples, since we are done growing tiny humans in this house :) They came from another local childbirth educator and doula in Maryland. She has a TON of experience as both a doula and an educator, and is very knowledgable about essential oils. She also has a childbirth class starting soon, and frequently holds classes about essential oils, so check her out! Enjoy the pictures and look for their newborn session later this fall!